It was when I lit a candle and watch it burn down when I realized that I really don’t have to scream out loud and shed so much tears just to let everything out. Because no matter how heavy the burden that I am carrying, it seems to float just float away.

I don’t really go to churches alone, I mean, I am always with my family whenever I go there. And last Thursday was the first time I entered one without anyone with me. I sat on one of the many long benches and look at some nothingness there while thinking of all the things that I am going through. Some says it’s shallow or something, but heck, it’s the only thing that I am concentrating on, it’s the only thing that I am living for as of the moment. So why not make a big deal out of it? It is simply crazy, but that just the way it is.

I never really thought of, me going in a church spontaneously and then just stay there, feel the presence of the emotions that are washing over me. I guess, though my eyes aren’t close and I am not kneeling down, I am saying a prayer. Simply thanking of having such place to run to whenever there is too much chaos in my mind. Yeah, and I know that is the reason why there are so many people in that church even though at that time everyone is supposedly busy doing their works or studying. It is the only refuge one’s soul can run to at times when there’s just something too much to take.

There is so much to captivate in a church, may you have a reason for going there or not, the silence of the whole place is something to appreciate. The gift of having some sweet reverie of the momentary stillness of time is too beautiful to ignore. And in the end, faith is all you need as you watch those prayers in your heart to float away with the candle’s silent whispers.

I have been trying to figure out lately what on earth is in my mind, what am I feeling, what do I want to say, and what do I want to have. And lately, I’ve been wondering about all the things that I have given up. It’s kind of foolish to make certain decisions without even thinking about myself, because at some point, though I know it’s for the good, I’ve been asking: Is it all worth it?

Sacrificing, yes, I guess that’s what I’ve been doing lately, sacrificing some significant things, trying to look at some deeper meaning other than self contentment and a handful of plain selfish vanity. Now, I feel like I have forgotten the real sense of sacrificing and its real meaning. Is it like what I have been thinking of right now, a way to hide one’s true color? Or like in accounting, the term goodwill, at certain point one of the partners, from some goodness of his heart, is willingly giving out a certain amount of money that can be his (goodwill is not applied in accounting anymore!). It’s somewhat confusing and at the same time frustrating, because right now, at some point, I want to be angry and blame everyone who’s involved. I don’t know. I guess all I can do right now is to take a deep breath, try not to fall off the cliff and into the see of doubts. But here’s one thing for sure: “I’ve been making sacrifices without knowing what it is really.”

Waaah! An utterly tiring day I had…well, though I am still up, I am dying to go to bed and sleep...but my, well, thoughts won’t let me not unless I flush all my brain clutters off me. I am very very thankful that I survived this little adventure with my sister. Waaah! Woke up around 6ish in the morning and left the house to go somewhere in Quezon City but my sister doesn’t know the easy way so…we took a jeepney ride to Rotonda and just walked to get to qc! Can you imagine that! from Rotonda to QC! Heck, well, it just took us about 5 minutes but it so freaking hot! Hotter that I am! Then after we went to divisoria or somewhere near that (168)..I remember the last time I went there was like so long ago I can’t even remember how I got there…it’s kinda creepy at first because of all the people walking around and bumping you, leaving some sweaty residue that only God knows where it came from! Waah! But still it is very cool cause you can get almost everything at their cheapest prices! Like the L-word DVD (for those who don’t know that, you don’t really need to know…but if you do! Heck I like it!ü costs only 70 pesos!! And I remember Micah buying the same thing for about 150 pesos! See how cheap it is there! So cool! But that’s not really the big wonder that I witnessed there. The whole highlight of my day is the incredible shopping stamina of my sister! Yes! Her great girly stamina is so incredible! We were like able to go around the whole 168 mall for about three times! THREE TIMES! Just to buy a pair of shoe! A PAIR OF SHOE! Goodness, if you just saw how I look you will definitely laugh at how wasted I am…well, after spending about 3 hours in the 168mall thing and the Tutuban Center, my sister decided to go to Mandaluyong! From Manila to Mandaluyong! How did we get there? Well first we took the LRT to V. Mapa then took a jeep to MANDALUYONG(I swear, I am so covered with sweat when we took that jeepney ride..)! Crazy! Insanity! FATALITY! Waaah! Call me overacting or something but heck I was tired..cause after going to her office we went back to the LRT (so from Mandaluyong we ride a jeep to manila AGAIN) so that we can meet up with my mom at Metro East to do some grocery shopping…I swear, all I can think at those times is “I don’t want to go shopping anymore! Please!” …well…I am very very sleepy and tired and this is really the best thing that can come out from me…hoping I will not experience such kind of shopping again…

Another day and I woke up late again. Yeah, I think it is because my parents want to turn on the air conditioner, and when they do that, they all want the whole family to be in one room. The thing is I don’t like sleeping in other room. I just feel so weird, exposed, and so many other bad things that you feel when you sleep in other rooms. So almost the whole night I keep on turning on my bed thinking of everything there is to do to be able to write again. You see, I think, I have lost my writing streak, I really don’t know how, but I think it is because of the stress that has gotten into me so badly in my studies (but hey, I won’t leave accounting, it’s my passion?) that I really forgot the whole “you are a writer so write!” plus I am too lazy before. Yes, I really do want to write again (ugh, everyone is like knocking on the door trying to wake me up!). What inspired me more to try to bring it all back is the summit that I attended in, the 3rd Philippine Blogging Summit. The summit is a two-day event that has about 11 speakers a day talking about blogging and everything that involves in that sort of thing. Well, I like the content of Marcielle Fabie. His topic is all about trying to bring out the creative blogger in you. What he said about writing blog is to dig very very deep, trying to see things differently and really force yourself to write. This is when I realized that I have gotten so mediocre on things, forgot all those what is hidden underneath everything, see everything the way there were without really digging deep. I have learned in much in that summit, especially what one of the summit people said, “you write to express not to impress” and though I don’t write to be hailed or whatever, it is something big for me. So did I really loose my writing streak? I hope not, I hope it is just sleeping deep inside of me, and all I have to do is force it to seep out of me to be able to write again. And that is what I am going to do this summer.

Last night one of my closest friends called me. And all we did is talk of the past since she is living in Paranaque and we can’t live our present with each other full time. So we talked. It was funny, how it brought out our past selves that were covered up by the maturity of time and experiences. We talked about how we hang out by the entrance of the auditorium with one of our friends when we were just grade school, and the different things that we did together…ü though it’s kinda weird to realized how old we have gotten… then we talked about high school (damn, I recall how selfish I was when I was a freshman. sorry for being one my dear friend)…we talked about the controversial incognito… waaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!! It is so crazy…I can’t stop laughing when the thought of two certain characters bump into my mind, Donnie and Miranda (for those who know whatever is behind those names just keep it silent…hehe)..can’t believe I was able to make two weirded out stories about my friends back in my high school years… I really hope I can pull it all back and live it all over again…then came the subject of love (heck I am loveless before and until NOW…but that’s no problem) it’s shocking to realize that the youngest in our group has the most experience in love (we are soooo, uhm, love-phobic? Though I know someone who will always keep on trying… right, Miranda? ü)……then she brought up our previous fights, though I don’t like recalling it and literally forgot every single bad thing that had happened in our lives, we never failed to have a good laugh about it…then comes the beautiful future…yep, we are so brave of talking about the future, not just any ordinary future, those creepy futures about marriages….though we didn’t talk about our future…we talked about some other people’s future…specifically our dear friend (let’s not give her real name…) Laura…yep Laura’s future… (no, we are not making fun of her, it’s just so happens that she’s the only one that has the highest probability to marry…)…

Well, well, well.. looking back, though I was confronted with so many bad things in life, still, there is this little heaven that will make me smile…thank you so much friends….miss you guys….